Single and Satisfied: Midlife Women Say “No” to Coupledom

Many midlife women are choosing for the first time to stay happily unattached.

When I divorced at age 25 after a five-year marriage, what I wanted most in the world was to find a new mate — my soul mate to be precise. Indeed, I quickly fell into a serious relationship, becoming devastated when things didn’t pan out. Soon I began dating someone new — alas, we proved incompatible. The search recommenced. After all, I’d been taught life could only be fulfilling as part of a team. Yet somewhere along the way I experienced a shift. Other things — career, friends, hobbies — took priority over a relationship. I wasn’t waiting for a man to travel the world, to buy “adult” furniture, or to make hard career choices. Rather than waiting for a life to come along, I was living mine full throttle.

Penny Sanseviere experienced a similar metamorphosis. After divorcing at age 29, the San Diego author and book publicist also expected to soon remarry. Yet after the dissolution of three serious relationships, the now 44-year-old Sanseviere “evolved.” She explains, “Men were sort of intimidated by all I’d accomplished. I didn’t want to dumb myself down to attract a partner. I became a lot stingier with my time — no more dating people who aren’t worth it. Some guy would have to be amazing to make me give up my freedom.”

Is this attitude healthy — or heresy? Spiritual advisor Karen Forrest puts it this way, “Not every woman is meant to be married.” The author of Angels of the Maritimes explains, “To bend to peer, social, and family pressure to marry when this does not intuitively feel right dishonors your life purpose and dishonors yourself…A truly happy, deeply meaningful marriage is when two people come together willingly and are committed to a long-term romantic partnership. This is not for the faint of heart.”

Then there is the school of thought that believes women who declare themselves happy being single are self-deluded, traumatized by past romantic failures. Dr. John Pollard, author of How Relationships Work offers his thesis, “Most of these women are not really happy but more ‘in a reaction to bad relationships mode.’ They are frozen in their goals and decision-making.”

Or is happy singlehood merely a phase on the way to partnering up for the long haul? Not for Nancy Michaels. The 44-year-old Massachusetts-based entrepreneur says, “I’m a single mom of three children; I run my own business and household and have great friendships with men and women alike. I might consider [having] a companion or someone to attend a party with, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be interested in an all-out committed relationship.”

To my mind, the key to a healthy singlehood is self-knowledge. Know the forces that drive you rather than mindlessly being rocked back and forth like a pendulum. Be willing to bend with what comes forward, versus settling into an unyielding rigidity. Says Robin Wendell, “When I met my husband at age 43, I got angry — because my single life was so well-organized and enjoyable, and now everything would change.” The Miami college professor offers the update, “We’ve been married 17 wonderful years and the changes were worth it.”

Contrarily, being single with no agenda or timeline can lead to that trek down the aisle. Explains Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, PhD, “When you’re happy, you’re attractive. You know your needs, you won’t be easily fooled, because life with a new guy has to be better than your great life alone.” The author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again concludes, “Being happily single will slow you down in comparison to desperate women, and cause you to make better choices.”

My choice right now is to stay single, even though I’m in a committed relationship with a great guy. I allow myself lots of time for my other interests. For now, keeping separate houses feels right. But life is about leaning into change rather than running from it and I reserve the right at some point to exercise ye olde female prerogative to change my mind.

By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW