Judge lest you be judged
December 13, 2008 by Not Done at 40
Filed under Dialogue
My life has always been based on the fact that everyone is good and not to judge lest you be judged, for in the way you judge that is how you will be judged. I know this is a biblical saying, even though not all believe in the scriptures there is a truth to what is said here.
I am in my 40’s and dating a man years younger then myself I find it very interesting that, having been married to a man 14 years older then myself and always dating older men before him without a word of ill from anyone I have now become the gossip on everyone’s lips.
Just yesterday my going to be ex-husband told me that he was embarrassed for me by what I was doing. When I asked him, “what am I doing?” he said, “you know, dating a young guy”. I asked him how he felt it was any of his business and how he, of all people could judge me. He had been married when he met me and started dating me without giving it a second thought. Why are my actions so much different and embarrassing?
I did not intend to date a younger man, much less fall for one. I have always shied away from them. I have a best girlfriend that has always dated younger men. I used to ask her, as I went out with the old guys, what she could possibly see in a guy almost half her age.
But now that I am in the middle of all of this I see, my eyes have been opened and I believe that you must try it before you decide if it is right or wrong.
In all actuality, I believe that it is possible that a younger man has not been damaged by bad marriages or ex-girlfriends or even have children. They are willing to take us for what we are with our workloads and children and whatever else is going on in our lives. They are going to work their butts off to make sure that we are taken care of and not the other way around as is the stereo type.
The relationship I am in currently, which I take for what it is with no expectations, I can say is the most honest and open relationship I have ever had. Believe me I have had my fill of relationships. I have been married 3 times. I have been beaten, raped, cheated on, lied to, left more times then I can count, all from men who claimed to love me and where supposed to take care of me.
I am 44years old, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am successful. I do not need someone to validate those things for me, yet men my age and older want me to feel that if not for them women my age would be toast, which brings me to the point of being judged by them.
How many of us have been out on a date with a man our age or older and we thought we had their full attention, then walks in miss I’m 22 with blond hair and blue eyes and all of a sudden we no longer have their attention. When we bring this up to them in conversation they usually deny the whole thing instead of just admitting what was really going on in their heads.
By Virginia Hamilton
Viginia – You are beautiful, you may be smart and you may be successful in some areas, but if you have been left more times than you can count your success has obviously not been with relationships. Maybe that is changing now.
There’s absolutely nothing intrinsically wrong if the man you want to be with is year’s younger, and if it works for you then great. You have every right to be angry with people who judge you for it or think you should find it embarassing. But if their attitude bothers you a lot then this may be because you could be denying your own judgemental nature.
Your claim that your life is based on not being judgemental is not very believable when you are so judgmental on men of your own age or older. A miss with blond hair and blue eyes walking in and distracting your date’s attention can happen with a man of any age. You could be with a man of any age and still think he wants you to feel you would be toast without him. These things are related to the health of the relationship, not the age of your partner.
Why am I offering you this perspective. Probably because I am resisting acknowledging the judgemental part of myself.
I don’t mean any offence when I say cougar, it’s just the catagory of woman I’d rather choose from. It never matters what other people think, it’s only what u think of yourself. I myself like older women because they know what they want out of life & they go for it. Just because a man is younger doesn’t mean he hasn’t been hurt by a woman, not only that, the women that I have dated around my age are materialistic, have no clue what love is, or tryin ta find a sugar daddy. I don’t think any woman should feel guilty about what she likes. I believe some women r like wine, they get better with age, I have actually learned a few things from an older woman. Both men & women want ta b with someone younger. It’s wrong for anyone to judge another person, judging is for God to do only. Some men, (young or old) will never know how to treat women. I was raised & lived in a household with four women & my father was a womaniser so I strived my whole life to b better than every man & to give a woman, that deserves it anything she wants, but things do have to b earned. I know women can get more satisfaction from a younger man cause there’s no Viagra needed.…… I welcome all feedback. bigdaddy42020@yahoo.com
Call me a Cougar, I’m cool with it. My boyfriend of nearly 2 yrs just celebrated his 21st birthday. Yes, that is a 21 yr age difference. We celebrated his now being legal to drink in this State with my very supportive family and a few close friends. I would say that his inability to enter some of my favorite venues to experience one of our favorite pass times, live music has been probably the biggest downfall of dating someone so much younger than myself. I’ll take that problem if its the biggest draw back that has come with this relationship.
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This man is a wonderful, loving, attentive, generous young man. I have been divorced for 15 yrs and this the first relationship that I would consider taking another walk down the aisle for.
I have children that are 17 yrs of age. Not a big age difference between my kids and my boyfriend. I will say in the beginning for my kids this was a bit of an issue. For their sake, I kept the relationship to myself as much as I could… over time though my daughters have come to know this man for themselves and have accepted the relationship realizing that he has treated all of us with the utmost of respect and love. I believe that my children ultimately just want to see their mother in a healthy loving relationship.
I suppose some could argue that in time I will be an old woman as my partner is just reaching his prime. What if he decided at that point that he wants a younger woman? Well, I guess run the same risk with a man of any age now don’t I? Nothing in this life is permanent. Life ends in death. If in this lifetime I am fortunate as I am to experience a love that is as wonderful as this love is, I will tolerate those that may shun the idea or look down on with me with judgment. It is just their ignorance (not knowing). What do I want to close this comment with?… “Dont knock it till you’ve tried it”.
V.. I am sooo proud to call you a friend Yes you are one of the most beautiful women I know both now and when we were young
I hold no judgment, cept that if this is what make you happy and shine then I say. “go all the way and to hell with what others say.
V:
I love older women. You are amazingly lovely, but what I wonder is what advice do you have for the younger man who desires the older woman. For so long, and still today there is a stupid stigma, that keeps men from approaching women for fear of being rejected even-though one knows that there older women do desire younger men, even if they have convinced themselves otherwise. Any advise would be great.
Virginia
I am glad you made this thread. My aunt has been with a man over 30yrs now, he was 19 and her 43 when they met, at the time family was concerned (but didnt judge the age) that it was about money, since she was a waitress and him a dishwasher. He has since gone on to become very successful and taken care and loved her throughout all those years, and still does. Even when she felt no longer adequate and tried pushing him away, out of love, he refused to go, instead he has proved to her how strong their love is.
It seems to me that back then people didnt judge as they do now. I see my sister in a relationship with a guy that is 16yrs younger, and his friends and family try to do everything to break them apart. Myself when asked about my husband’s age, am looked down upon because he is 3yrs younger. I dont understand what has happened to our society, its fine for a man to marry someone 20yrs younger but if a woman is with someone younger they are labeled. Its truly a sad world we live in.
Its not about a number, its about love and compatability and happiness. I think all those that judge should just stick to their own lives and try make it better, because being a judgeful person is not coming from a good loving place. People should be happy for others that are in a loving relationship because thats all that truly matters.