A No-Excuses Look at Dating Younger Men

I admit it: I like to date younger men. The question illustrated by your raised eyebrows is: How much younger? So far it’s ranged from five to 20 years. Not a typo; reality.

These days the term “age appropriate” often gets tacked to “older woman,” especially around fashion and dating. Since Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher, the phenomenon of older women coupling with younger men has become more visible and acceptable, but many social conventions deem these preferences unsuitable, disgusting or downright silly. I’d wager that, more often than not, it’s a preference based on the fact that women at midlife today are going for what they want. More and more, it’s the freedom to choose whom to date and partner with.

Dating today is no longer only about finding “the one” and getting married. Women at midlife are a new breed, and other options exist. We are, in fact, creating a new paradigm for love as we age.

It’s partly demographics: There are fewer single, middle-aged men than women. Men who are divorced or widowed tend to recouple quickly. What’s more, men who are single and looking usually eye women 10 to 15 years younger.

That shrinks the pool. For me, it’s also time to throw out old ideologies about what a woman, a relationship and a marriage should look like. Traditional relationships are clearly defined, providing a measure of comfort and security. But that can also make them closed or inflexible. When older women date younger men, the world opens up. The risks are similar in terms of things working out, but the dynamic is different. It’s not about control, manipulation, power struggles. These younger men have been raised by a feminist generation and they revel in our sassiness, sexiness, outspokenness and independence. The playing field feels more equal.

I’ve gotten sideways comments such as, “Why, that’s my (son’s … daughter’s …) age!” – not wholly disapproving, but protective nonetheless. What do I want with someone that age? A valid question, and one I don’t always answer completely. What do older men want with women that age?

For me it’s not about marriage or tying someone down who could have a family with a woman closer to his own age, but about having companionship and fun for now. It’s a developmental phase post-widowhood, and I can’t find reasons to not follow my heart. OK, yes, the eye candy and endurance rush are factors, but the fact is, I feel young. I look 15 to 20 years younger than my chronological age. And as my friend Cathy noted at lunch yesterday, if I’m happy, who cares what anyone else thinks? These guys can keep up with me, and my lifestyle is far more youthful. I’m not in the market for retirement.

The attraction is surely physical: For 20 years I was married to a wonderful but morbidly obese, sedentary man. So now, being athletic myself, I adore a healthy physique. I have dear male friends my own age, certainly, but conversation too often spins around health and emotional baggage. I want a companion who is focused on living, not having lived.

It’s also lovely to have the respect and attraction of men who see me differently from my peers. They are much more relaxed, more open-minded about aging; they don’t mind the wrinkles, the non-airbrushed skin. They’ve been raised in a culture of diversity and longer lifespans. I don’t have to explain myself; I feel accepted as I am.

By corollary: Why do younger men seem to be flocking to older women? According to “cougar” online dating sites, guys say they prefer an older woman’s intellectual and emotional maturity, the lack of drama, the sexiness (and the sex), the independence. They still find women their own age attractive, but they want a richer, more rewarding experience. They are exploring personal growth and living fully in a way that has never been available before.

What have I learned so far outweighs the doubts. I feel attractive and bubbly again. I know that I can be powerful and sassy as well as nurturing and kind. I know that I’m healthy and not old — mentally or physically. I have a lot to offer to relationships, without baggage or accommodation.

I’ve learned that life goes on after the death of a spouse and as hard as it is to date, period, it can be a grand adventure with a younger man. I’m not looking to get married and I can’t have his children. But I can have some wonderful experiences, learn how to love again, and treasure this free time in my life.
I’ve also learned that I’m cool. I love hip hop. I adore lingo. I dress to thrill. And I’m chill with communicating by txt msg. The only real difficulty is finding consistent dates for Saturday night. This young generation – they do like to hang in groups. Lmao & cul8tr.