These days the term “age appropriate” often gets tacked to “older woman,” especially around fashion and dating. Since Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher, the phenomenon of older women coupling with younger men has become more visible and acceptable, but many social conventions deem these preferences unsuitable, disgusting or downright silly. I’d wager that, more often than not, it’s a preference based on the fact that women at midlife today are going for what they want. More and more, it’s the freedom to choose whom to date and partner with.

Dating today is no longer only about finding “the one” and getting married. Women at midlife are a new breed, and other options exist. We are, in fact, creating a new paradigm for love as we age.

It’s partly demographics: There are fewer single, middle-aged men than women. Men who are divorced or widowed tend to recouple quickly. What’s more, men who are single and looking usually eye women 10 to 15 years younger.

That shrinks the pool. For me, it’s also time to throw out old ideologies about what a woman, a relationship and a marriage should look like. Traditional relationships are clearly defined, providing a measure of comfort and security. But that can also make them closed or inflexible. When older women date younger men, the world opens up. The risks are similar in terms of things working out, but the dynamic is different. It’s not about control, manipulation, power struggles. These younger men have been raised by a feminist generation and they revel in our sassiness, sexiness, outspokenness and independence. The playing field feels more equal.

I’ve gotten sideways comments such as, “Why, that’s my (son’s … daughter’s …) age!” – not wholly disapproving, but protective nonetheless. What do I want with someone that age? A valid question, and one I don’t always answer completely. What do older men want with women that age?

For me it’s not about marriage or tying someone down who could have a family with a woman closer to his own age, but about having companionship and fun for now. It’s a developmental phase post-widowhood, and I can’t find reasons to not follow my heart. OK, yes, the eye candy and endurance rush are factors, but the fact is, I feel young. I look 15 to 20 years younger than my chronological age. And as my friend Cathy noted at lunch yesterday, if I’m happy, who cares what anyone else thinks? These guys can keep up with me, and my lifestyle is far more youthful. I’m not in the market for retirement.

The attraction is surely physical: For 20 years I was married to a wonderful but morbidly obese, sedentary man. So now, being athletic myself, I adore a healthy physique. I have dear male friends my own age, certainly, but conversation too often spins around health and emotional baggage. I want a companion who is focused on living, not having lived.

It’s also lovely to have the respect and attraction of men who see me differently from my peers. They are much more relaxed, more open-minded about aging; they don’t mind the wrinkles, the non-airbrushed skin. They’ve been raised in a culture of diversity and longer lifespans. I don’t have to explain myself; I feel accepted as I am.

By corollary: Why do younger men seem to be flocking to older women? According to “cougar” online dating sites, guys say they prefer an older woman’s intellectual and emotional maturity, the lack of drama, the sexiness (and the sex), the independence. They still find women their own age attractive, but they want a richer, more rewarding experience. They are exploring personal growth and living fully in a way that has never been available before.

What have I learned so far outweighs the doubts. I feel attractive and bubbly again. I know that I can be powerful and sassy as well as nurturing and kind. I know that I’m healthy and not old — mentally or physically. I have a lot to offer to relationships, without baggage or accommodation.

I’ve learned that life goes on after the death of a spouse and as hard as it is to date, period, it can be a grand adventure with a younger man. I’m not looking to get married and I can’t have his children. But I can have some wonderful experiences, learn how to love again, and treasure this free time in my life.
I’ve also learned that I’m cool. I love hip hop. I adore lingo. I dress to thrill. And I’m chill with communicating by txt msg. The only real difficulty is finding consistent dates for Saturday night. This young generation – they do like to hang in groups. Lmao & cul8tr.

The world of cougars is very interesting; they are confident, in control, and unafraid to say “Don‘t call me, I’ll call you.” Also, you won’t often find them asking questions such as “Where is this going?” or “Do you love me?” that younger women tend to ask. Men find this irresistible, Gibson said. And of course, cougars are stereotyped as being a younger man’s fantasy because of their sexuality.

According to criminal justice junior Pat Gormley, who is currently dating an older woman, the appeal older women have is that they have more life experience. However, most guys he knows are attracted to them because they are more experienced sexually.

And Gibson was not opposed to the stereotype of being highly sexual. “Sexuality is something that is very strong with cougars,” Gibson said.

When asked if she had ever been under the impression that younger men had used her for sex or money she said they would never date older women for their money, but rather, for their sex.

“Of course they are using them for sex; that’s what they are there for,” Gibson said. She said that there is nothing wrong with being older and still wanting a sexual relationship. “It’s new they (older women) are blatantly saying they like sex. To say that you shouldn’t have sexuality after 40 is absolute rubbish … sexuality does not just jump off a cliff.”

But there is also another side to cougar relationships that can move beyond physical lust. Gibson was in a 15-year relationship with a man who was 14 years younger than her, and she said her relationship was like “any other relationship,” just with a larger age gap.

“The world of cougars is very interesting. They have life experience and good conversation they can share with a younger man and mature younger men love that,” Gibson said. “The cougar does not date every bozo … they like more sophisticated younger men; not all men can date an older woman,” Gibson said.

“Why guys go after older women is because they want to have a mature relationship with a mature woman,” Gormley said. “Guys also like to say they are dating an older woman … they seem older if they are dating a more mature woman.” He also said that his friends have a fantasy of being with a cougar but have never followed through with actually dating one.

Gibson also said that younger men are now chasing after the older women, not the other way around.

“In the past seven years, the trend is now driven by younger men; now the younger men adore you … go to a bar with a girlfriend, and they will swarm you,” Gibson said.

There are numerous Web sites such as cougarhunter.ca, gauged toward younger males who are attracted to older women that dish cougar dating advice, “cougar hunting” tips and even sell cougar apparel. While different people may have opposing perspectives on the age gap, it’s apparent that cougars are available and wanted by some younger men.

“Younger men fall madly in love with older women; it seems they are addicted and never want to go back,” Gibson said.

Wheeler, a fiery redhead who lives outside Baltimore, leaned back in her chair and sighed. “I adore younger men,” the 60-year-old purred. “I liked younger guys even when I was in high school—like a year or two younger. I was a cougar before there were cougars.”

Indeed, Wheeler’s pre-marriage and post-divorce dating history reads like a steamy screenplay. She listed a string of young men with whom she had various relationships, occasionally punching numbers into a calculator to determine age differences she had never considered in the first place. She never analyzed her attraction to younger men (or their attraction to her), but with “cougar” an increasingly popular term used to describe older women dating significantly younger men, her longtime preference is suddenly in the spotlight.

For Wheeler and other women like her, younger men—many of them 15 years or more their juniors—are a natural fit. Boomer women are looking and feeling better than ever. Widowed, separated, or divorced, a growing number seek young men for dating and companionship. And since men have been dating younger women for ages, why are so many of us surprised—shocked, even—that women would follow suit?

For Wheeler, younger men have been a natural fit for an energetic lifestyle that her male peers have never quite matched.

“I can’t explain why, but I’ve always been,” she said, pausing. “Without even knowing someone’s age, you can be sure I’m going to gravitate toward the younger guy. And I don’t know if it’s a function of I’m attracted to younger guys or younger guys are attracted to me. It’s just their energy, their enthusiasm” and—the biggie—“less baggage.”

In fact, the stuff of the past may be what keeps her from dating men closer to her age altogether. That and music, of course.

“They’re always going on and on about their exes and the kids,” she said of her male peers. “The baggage, the baggage, is the main thing. And being stuck in the music they listened to in college. I want to know what’s new. I want to hear what’s new. Younger guys seem to have more to contribute to my life, and they’re just adorable.”

I am in my 40’s and dating a man years younger then myself I find it very interesting that, having been married to a man 14 years older then myself and always dating older men before him without a word of ill from anyone I have now become the gossip on everyone’s lips.

Just yesterday my going to be ex-husband told me that he was embarrassed for me by what I was doing. When I asked him, “what am I doing?” he said, “you know, dating a young guy”. I asked him how he felt it was any of his business and how he, of all people could judge me. He had been married when he met me and started dating me without giving it a second thought. Why are my actions so much different and embarrassing?

I did not intend to date a younger man, much less fall for one. I have always shied away from them. I have a best girlfriend that has always dated younger men. I used to ask her, as I went out with the old guys, what she could possibly see in a guy almost half her age.
But now that I am in the middle of all of this I see, my eyes have been opened and I believe that you must try it before you decide if it is right or wrong.

In all actuality, I believe that it is possible that a younger man has not been damaged by bad marriages or ex-girlfriends or even have children. They are willing to take us for what we are with our workloads and children and whatever else is going on in our lives. They are going to work their butts off to make sure that we are taken care of and not the other way around as is the stereo type.

The relationship I am in currently, which I take for what it is with no expectations, I can say is the most honest and open relationship I have ever had. Believe me I have had my fill of relationships. I have been married 3 times. I have been beaten, raped, cheated on, lied to, left more times then I can count, all from men who claimed to love me and where supposed to take care of me.

I am 44years old, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am successful. I do not need someone to validate those things for me, yet men my age and older want me to feel that if not for them women my age would be toast, which brings me to the point of being judged by them.

How many of us have been out on a date with a man our age or older and we thought we had their full attention, then walks in miss I’m 22 with blond hair and blue eyes and all of a sudden we no longer have their attention. When we bring this up to them in conversation they usually deny the whole thing instead of just admitting what was really going on in their heads.

By Virginia Hamilton

When I divorced at age 25 after a five-year marriage, what I wanted most in the world was to find a new mate — my soul mate to be precise. Indeed, I quickly fell into a serious relationship, becoming devastated when things didn’t pan out. Soon I began dating someone new — alas, we proved incompatible. The search recommenced. After all, I’d been taught life could only be fulfilling as part of a team. Yet somewhere along the way I experienced a shift. Other things — career, friends, hobbies — took priority over a relationship. I wasn’t waiting for a man to travel the world, to buy “adult” furniture, or to make hard career choices. Rather than waiting for a life to come along, I was living mine full throttle.

Penny Sanseviere experienced a similar metamorphosis. After divorcing at age 29, the San Diego author and book publicist also expected to soon remarry. Yet after the dissolution of three serious relationships, the now 44-year-old Sanseviere “evolved.” She explains, “Men were sort of intimidated by all I’d accomplished. I didn’t want to dumb myself down to attract a partner. I became a lot stingier with my time — no more dating people who aren’t worth it. Some guy would have to be amazing to make me give up my freedom.”

Is this attitude healthy — or heresy? Spiritual advisor Karen Forrest puts it this way, “Not every woman is meant to be married.” The author of Angels of the Maritimes explains, “To bend to peer, social, and family pressure to marry when this does not intuitively feel right dishonors your life purpose and dishonors yourself…A truly happy, deeply meaningful marriage is when two people come together willingly and are committed to a long-term romantic partnership. This is not for the faint of heart.”

Then there is the school of thought that believes women who declare themselves happy being single are self-deluded, traumatized by past romantic failures. Dr. John Pollard, author of How Relationships Work offers his thesis, “Most of these women are not really happy but more ‘in a reaction to bad relationships mode.’ They are frozen in their goals and decision-making.”

Or is happy singlehood merely a phase on the way to partnering up for the long haul? Not for Nancy Michaels. The 44-year-old Massachusetts-based entrepreneur says, “I’m a single mom of three children; I run my own business and household and have great friendships with men and women alike. I might consider [having] a companion or someone to attend a party with, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be interested in an all-out committed relationship.”

To my mind, the key to a healthy singlehood is self-knowledge. Know the forces that drive you rather than mindlessly being rocked back and forth like a pendulum. Be willing to bend with what comes forward, versus settling into an unyielding rigidity. Says Robin Wendell, “When I met my husband at age 43, I got angry — because my single life was so well-organized and enjoyable, and now everything would change.” The Miami college professor offers the update, “We’ve been married 17 wonderful years and the changes were worth it.”

Contrarily, being single with no agenda or timeline can lead to that trek down the aisle. Explains Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, PhD, “When you’re happy, you’re attractive. You know your needs, you won’t be easily fooled, because life with a new guy has to be better than your great life alone.” The author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again concludes, “Being happily single will slow you down in comparison to desperate women, and cause you to make better choices.”

My choice right now is to stay single, even though I’m in a committed relationship with a great guy. I allow myself lots of time for my other interests. For now, keeping separate houses feels right. But life is about leaning into change rather than running from it and I reserve the right at some point to exercise ye olde female prerogative to change my mind.

By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW