These days the term “age appropriate” often gets tacked to “older woman,” especially around fashion and dating. Since Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher, the phenomenon of older women coupling with younger men has become more visible and acceptable, but many social conventions deem these preferences unsuitable, disgusting or downright silly. I’d wager that, more often than not, it’s a preference based on the fact that women at midlife today are going for what they want. More and more, it’s the freedom to choose whom to date and partner with.

Dating today is no longer only about finding “the one” and getting married. Women at midlife are a new breed, and other options exist. We are, in fact, creating a new paradigm for love as we age.

It’s partly demographics: There are fewer single, middle-aged men than women. Men who are divorced or widowed tend to recouple quickly. What’s more, men who are single and looking usually eye women 10 to 15 years younger.

That shrinks the pool. For me, it’s also time to throw out old ideologies about what a woman, a relationship and a marriage should look like. Traditional relationships are clearly defined, providing a measure of comfort and security. But that can also make them closed or inflexible. When older women date younger men, the world opens up. The risks are similar in terms of things working out, but the dynamic is different. It’s not about control, manipulation, power struggles. These younger men have been raised by a feminist generation and they revel in our sassiness, sexiness, outspokenness and independence. The playing field feels more equal.

I’ve gotten sideways comments such as, “Why, that’s my (son’s … daughter’s …) age!” – not wholly disapproving, but protective nonetheless. What do I want with someone that age? A valid question, and one I don’t always answer completely. What do older men want with women that age?

For me it’s not about marriage or tying someone down who could have a family with a woman closer to his own age, but about having companionship and fun for now. It’s a developmental phase post-widowhood, and I can’t find reasons to not follow my heart. OK, yes, the eye candy and endurance rush are factors, but the fact is, I feel young. I look 15 to 20 years younger than my chronological age. And as my friend Cathy noted at lunch yesterday, if I’m happy, who cares what anyone else thinks? These guys can keep up with me, and my lifestyle is far more youthful. I’m not in the market for retirement.

The attraction is surely physical: For 20 years I was married to a wonderful but morbidly obese, sedentary man. So now, being athletic myself, I adore a healthy physique. I have dear male friends my own age, certainly, but conversation too often spins around health and emotional baggage. I want a companion who is focused on living, not having lived.

It’s also lovely to have the respect and attraction of men who see me differently from my peers. They are much more relaxed, more open-minded about aging; they don’t mind the wrinkles, the non-airbrushed skin. They’ve been raised in a culture of diversity and longer lifespans. I don’t have to explain myself; I feel accepted as I am.

By corollary: Why do younger men seem to be flocking to older women? According to “cougar” online dating sites, guys say they prefer an older woman’s intellectual and emotional maturity, the lack of drama, the sexiness (and the sex), the independence. They still find women their own age attractive, but they want a richer, more rewarding experience. They are exploring personal growth and living fully in a way that has never been available before.

What have I learned so far outweighs the doubts. I feel attractive and bubbly again. I know that I can be powerful and sassy as well as nurturing and kind. I know that I’m healthy and not old — mentally or physically. I have a lot to offer to relationships, without baggage or accommodation.

I’ve learned that life goes on after the death of a spouse and as hard as it is to date, period, it can be a grand adventure with a younger man. I’m not looking to get married and I can’t have his children. But I can have some wonderful experiences, learn how to love again, and treasure this free time in my life.
I’ve also learned that I’m cool. I love hip hop. I adore lingo. I dress to thrill. And I’m chill with communicating by txt msg. The only real difficulty is finding consistent dates for Saturday night. This young generation – they do like to hang in groups. Lmao & cul8tr.

The world of cougars is very interesting; they are confident, in control, and unafraid to say “Don‘t call me, I’ll call you.” Also, you won’t often find them asking questions such as “Where is this going?” or “Do you love me?” that younger women tend to ask. Men find this irresistible, Gibson said. And of course, cougars are stereotyped as being a younger man’s fantasy because of their sexuality.

According to criminal justice junior Pat Gormley, who is currently dating an older woman, the appeal older women have is that they have more life experience. However, most guys he knows are attracted to them because they are more experienced sexually.

And Gibson was not opposed to the stereotype of being highly sexual. “Sexuality is something that is very strong with cougars,” Gibson said.

When asked if she had ever been under the impression that younger men had used her for sex or money she said they would never date older women for their money, but rather, for their sex.

“Of course they are using them for sex; that’s what they are there for,” Gibson said. She said that there is nothing wrong with being older and still wanting a sexual relationship. “It’s new they (older women) are blatantly saying they like sex. To say that you shouldn’t have sexuality after 40 is absolute rubbish … sexuality does not just jump off a cliff.”

But there is also another side to cougar relationships that can move beyond physical lust. Gibson was in a 15-year relationship with a man who was 14 years younger than her, and she said her relationship was like “any other relationship,” just with a larger age gap.

“The world of cougars is very interesting. They have life experience and good conversation they can share with a younger man and mature younger men love that,” Gibson said. “The cougar does not date every bozo … they like more sophisticated younger men; not all men can date an older woman,” Gibson said.

“Why guys go after older women is because they want to have a mature relationship with a mature woman,” Gormley said. “Guys also like to say they are dating an older woman … they seem older if they are dating a more mature woman.” He also said that his friends have a fantasy of being with a cougar but have never followed through with actually dating one.

Gibson also said that younger men are now chasing after the older women, not the other way around.

“In the past seven years, the trend is now driven by younger men; now the younger men adore you … go to a bar with a girlfriend, and they will swarm you,” Gibson said.

There are numerous Web sites such as cougarhunter.ca, gauged toward younger males who are attracted to older women that dish cougar dating advice, “cougar hunting” tips and even sell cougar apparel. While different people may have opposing perspectives on the age gap, it’s apparent that cougars are available and wanted by some younger men.

“Younger men fall madly in love with older women; it seems they are addicted and never want to go back,” Gibson said.

Wheeler, a fiery redhead who lives outside Baltimore, leaned back in her chair and sighed. “I adore younger men,” the 60-year-old purred. “I liked younger guys even when I was in high school—like a year or two younger. I was a cougar before there were cougars.”

Indeed, Wheeler’s pre-marriage and post-divorce dating history reads like a steamy screenplay. She listed a string of young men with whom she had various relationships, occasionally punching numbers into a calculator to determine age differences she had never considered in the first place. She never analyzed her attraction to younger men (or their attraction to her), but with “cougar” an increasingly popular term used to describe older women dating significantly younger men, her longtime preference is suddenly in the spotlight.

For Wheeler and other women like her, younger men—many of them 15 years or more their juniors—are a natural fit. Boomer women are looking and feeling better than ever. Widowed, separated, or divorced, a growing number seek young men for dating and companionship. And since men have been dating younger women for ages, why are so many of us surprised—shocked, even—that women would follow suit?

For Wheeler, younger men have been a natural fit for an energetic lifestyle that her male peers have never quite matched.

“I can’t explain why, but I’ve always been,” she said, pausing. “Without even knowing someone’s age, you can be sure I’m going to gravitate toward the younger guy. And I don’t know if it’s a function of I’m attracted to younger guys or younger guys are attracted to me. It’s just their energy, their enthusiasm” and—the biggie—“less baggage.”

In fact, the stuff of the past may be what keeps her from dating men closer to her age altogether. That and music, of course.

“They’re always going on and on about their exes and the kids,” she said of her male peers. “The baggage, the baggage, is the main thing. And being stuck in the music they listened to in college. I want to know what’s new. I want to hear what’s new. Younger guys seem to have more to contribute to my life, and they’re just adorable.”

Children
Daughter: with Peter Cook, Sailor Lee Brinkley Cook, was born. [2 July 1998]
Daughter: with Billy Joel, Alexa Ray Joel, was born. [1 January 1986]
Son: with Richard Taubman, Jack Paris Brinkley, was born. [2 June 1995]

Filed a $42 million defamation suit against the National Enquirer and jointly sued her former personal assistant Beth La Face as the contact for the tabloid. [9 September 1997]

Supermodel
Her first SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit issue cover was in 1979. She also appeared on the cover in 1980 and 1981, making her the first model to appear on 3 consecutive covers.

Brinkley was one of three models featured as dolls produced by Matchbox Toys called “The Real Model Collection”.

She and her then husband-to-be Richard Taubman survived a helicopter crash in March 1994 near Telluride, Colorado. Nine months later they married near the spot of the crash.

Was a democratic delegate from New York state at the 2000 Democratic Convention in Los Angeles.

Is a vegetarian.

Daughter of producer-director Don Brinkley and Marge Brinkley.

Wears size 7 1/2-8 shoe. (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine)

Measurements: 36C-23 1/2-35 1/2 (her model card) (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine)

Sister of Greg Brinkley.

Recovering from emergency back surgery following a skiing injury that occurred during a recent family ski trip [February 28, 2007].

Went to Palisades High School in Los Angeles, California.

Personal Quotes
If a person lies to you about what’s in their bank account, they’ll lie to you about other things as well.

I have this helicopter crash, and I fall in love with this man who was in the crash with me. I must have been suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome.

When I divorced at age 25 after a five-year marriage, what I wanted most in the world was to find a new mate — my soul mate to be precise. Indeed, I quickly fell into a serious relationship, becoming devastated when things didn’t pan out. Soon I began dating someone new — alas, we proved incompatible. The search recommenced. After all, I’d been taught life could only be fulfilling as part of a team. Yet somewhere along the way I experienced a shift. Other things — career, friends, hobbies — took priority over a relationship. I wasn’t waiting for a man to travel the world, to buy “adult” furniture, or to make hard career choices. Rather than waiting for a life to come along, I was living mine full throttle.

Penny Sanseviere experienced a similar metamorphosis. After divorcing at age 29, the San Diego author and book publicist also expected to soon remarry. Yet after the dissolution of three serious relationships, the now 44-year-old Sanseviere “evolved.” She explains, “Men were sort of intimidated by all I’d accomplished. I didn’t want to dumb myself down to attract a partner. I became a lot stingier with my time — no more dating people who aren’t worth it. Some guy would have to be amazing to make me give up my freedom.”

Is this attitude healthy — or heresy? Spiritual advisor Karen Forrest puts it this way, “Not every woman is meant to be married.” The author of Angels of the Maritimes explains, “To bend to peer, social, and family pressure to marry when this does not intuitively feel right dishonors your life purpose and dishonors yourself…A truly happy, deeply meaningful marriage is when two people come together willingly and are committed to a long-term romantic partnership. This is not for the faint of heart.”

Then there is the school of thought that believes women who declare themselves happy being single are self-deluded, traumatized by past romantic failures. Dr. John Pollard, author of How Relationships Work offers his thesis, “Most of these women are not really happy but more ‘in a reaction to bad relationships mode.’ They are frozen in their goals and decision-making.”

Or is happy singlehood merely a phase on the way to partnering up for the long haul? Not for Nancy Michaels. The 44-year-old Massachusetts-based entrepreneur says, “I’m a single mom of three children; I run my own business and household and have great friendships with men and women alike. I might consider [having] a companion or someone to attend a party with, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be interested in an all-out committed relationship.”

To my mind, the key to a healthy singlehood is self-knowledge. Know the forces that drive you rather than mindlessly being rocked back and forth like a pendulum. Be willing to bend with what comes forward, versus settling into an unyielding rigidity. Says Robin Wendell, “When I met my husband at age 43, I got angry — because my single life was so well-organized and enjoyable, and now everything would change.” The Miami college professor offers the update, “We’ve been married 17 wonderful years and the changes were worth it.”

Contrarily, being single with no agenda or timeline can lead to that trek down the aisle. Explains Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, PhD, “When you’re happy, you’re attractive. You know your needs, you won’t be easily fooled, because life with a new guy has to be better than your great life alone.” The author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again concludes, “Being happily single will slow you down in comparison to desperate women, and cause you to make better choices.”

My choice right now is to stay single, even though I’m in a committed relationship with a great guy. I allow myself lots of time for my other interests. For now, keeping separate houses feels right. But life is about leaning into change rather than running from it and I reserve the right at some point to exercise ye olde female prerogative to change my mind.

By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW

Reviewed By Kathleen Zelman, MPH, RD/LD

In your 40s and beyond, fitness tends to take on a new shape. Exercise routines you once found merely challenging may become painful or even impossible by the time you’re 40, 50, or 60.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female, a kickboxer or a mall walker — sooner or later, age will have an effect on your body.

It happens to everyone — even Sheila Cluff, 68, founder of The Oaks at Ojai Destination Spa in Ojai, Calif. Cluff, a former professional figure skater, is quick to tell you that she can do 70 pushups and ski black diamond runs with her grandchildren. But she can’t do everything she used to do.

“Even if you’re modestly fit or quite fit, there’s still an effect of the aging process,” says Cluff. “The body will shift and change.

“It is also natural in the aging process,” she says, “to automatically lose a sense of balance.”

She discovered that when she tried taking her grandchildren ice-skating after 30 years off the ice: “I was all over the place,” she says.

But instead of throwing in the towel, she used the incident as an impetus to improve.

“I wanted to cut the risk of falling. I practice balance on land consistently,” she says, “and now I’m back to jumps and spins. Now as a result, I’m a better snow skier.”

Of course, you don’t have to be a black-diamond skier to reap the benefits of activity as you age. Cluff and two other experts spoke to WebMD about how our fitness needs change over the years and how we can stay active — or become active — at any age.

Your Joints and Muscles

Many people first feel the effects of age in their joints.

As we age, our connective tissue (the supportive framework for the body, like cartilage, tendons, and ligaments) becomes less elastic, says William J. Evans, PhD, director of the nutrition, metabolism, and exercise laboratory at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences’ Donald W. Reynolds Institute on Aging. That leads to a greater risk of injury to the joints.

And that’s why, if you took step aerobics class or ran five miles a day in your 20s and 30s, you may have switched to cycling, swimming, or walking in your 40s or beyond. Those higher-impact exercises just don’t feel as good as they once did. In fact, the aging of the baby boomer generation is one reason low-impact fitness choices like elliptical trainers, recumbent bikes, yoga, and Pilates have become so popular.

But softening the impact is not the only way we should change our routines as we age, Evans says. It’s also more important than ever to do strength training.

“As (you) grow older, (you) lose muscle mass and there’s a decline in metabolic rate,” says Evans, also a professor of geriatric medicine, physiology, and nutrition.

“Even if you’re aerobically active, you don’t prevent loss of muscles. If you do exactly the same thing, you will lose muscle and gain fat. Strength training is the only way to increase or preserve muscle mass.”

Studies have also shown that resistance training helps with joint elasticity, flexibility, and bone density, he says.

“We’ve taken people in nursing homes that are extremely weak and frail and put them through a strength training program with very little injuries,” he says. “It had a greater effect on bone density than aerobic exercise and remarkably positive effects on bone density at every level.”

That’s not always easy, of course. Time and energy are huge issues with fitness as we age. In our mid-years, we’re often short on time as we balance career and family duties. Later on, we may have more time — but less energy.

Still, it’s essential to make time for physical activity, especially since you may not be getting as much in your daily life.

“The reality of it is,” says Cluff, “as you get older, generally speaking, you may sit a little longer. Your lifestyle changes in the negative sense because you’re not required to do what did when you were younger, like chase kids around.” Milner cites the health-club chain Curves, famed for its 30-minute circuit workouts and no-frills approach, as an example of a company that “got it right” for the over-40 set.

“It gets you in and out quickly, it’s non-intimidating, once around the circuit,” he says. “It eliminates the obstacles.”

If you don’t want to join a gym, you can get rid of the fitness obstacles in your own life. Remember that even daily activities — things like gardening, household chores, walking the dog — can help you stay active, maintain or lose weight, and keep your health.

Get-Active Advice

Cluff and Evans offer some advice for fitness fans 40 and up, whether they’re experienced exercisers or are just getting started:

• Know when it’s time to make a change. Stay in tune with what your joints and muscles are telling you when you work out, Cluff advises. “Notice how it feels at 40. Then, when you get to 42 or 43, does it change? Be aware of the signals that your body is giving.”
• Modify moves that cause discomfort. “Take those heavy, percussive movements and find a detour,” Cluff says. “Instead of running, hike. Instead of running three miles, walk five. Walk faster, on a spongy asphalt trail.”
• If you haven’t been weight training, get started. Strength training not only preserves and increases muscle mass and bone density, says Evans, it boosts your metabolic rate so you can burn more calories.
• Warm up and stretch. Be sure to warm up before a workout and stretch afterward, to reduce the risk of injury, Evans says. Adding stretching to your workouts will help counter the tightening of the body that comes with age.
• Make proper form a priority. Evans’ philosophy is to take 2 seconds to lift a weight and 5-6 seconds to lower it. “Put more emphasis on the lowering phase because that’s the part that stimulates muscle growth,” he says.
• Seek experts’ help. If possible, hire a fitness trainer to create a program for you and demonstrate proper form and control. If you belong to a health club, take advantage of the services it offers. Many clubs offer a free walk-through with a trainer to help you learn to use the equipment.
• “Snack” on fitness. Look for ways to fit in fitness whenever and wherever you can. Standing in line or waiting for the elevator are great opportunities to perform “fitness snacks,” like drawing the navel to the spine, sliding the shoulders down the back, and trying to balance on one foot, Cluff says.

Originally published March 31, 2005.
Medically updated August 2007.

As early as our 30′s we start to see a fair amount of fat loss under the skin. This is what contributes to the dark circles and sagging skin. Fillers have been used to add volume to parts of the face for quite a while now, but the delicate under-eye area was strictly off limits. Now, with the new tear trough procedure, things are changing.

The non-surgical eye-lift is done under local anesthetic in the doctor’s office and it takes just a half an hour to complete. There may be slight swelling and bruising for several days after the procedure, but the results last for more than a year. Of course, if you are considering any surgery, surgical or non-surgical, take the time to do your research. Find out as much as you can about the procedures and the doctors who perform them.

The doctor who is taking credit for developing this tear trough eye lift is Haideh Hirmand and she says, “this procedure is not only precise and versatile, but it’s also safe in that the chance of entering a vessel or injuring a nerve or the eye itself is completely eliminated.”

Snap-On-Smile is a set of teeth designed to fit right over your own. Some of the Real Cougars using them say you can eat with them sleep with them, and they are easily removed when you want to brush.

Your smile is custom designed after an impression of your mouth is taken. You get to choose the shape of the teeth and the perfect color for you. They cost between $1,500 and $3,000 depending if you want both the uppers and lowers.

The company that came up with product say they should last anywhere from three to five years.

Visit: www.snaponsmile.com

“Real Cougars” are business women, and they are wives and mothers. A “Real Cougar” is not defined by a band on her finger, it’s her attitude about life. She is a woman who is constantly looking for new opportunities and knows how to get what she wants. Sometimes things don’t work out exactly as she plans, but she grows from each and every experience.

In folklore a cougar quietly take control of a situation. Sometimes this can lead to conflict with others over territory. A cougar is associated with leadership and teaches decisiveness in the use of personal power.

True leadership through gentle assertiveness is what cougar teaches those with this totem. Cougar people are often very sure of themselves, not taking any unnecessary steps or exerting any extra energy beyond what is required of them to achieve their goal. Most cougars learn by trial and error, which strengthens them and hones their skills.

A cougar will leap at opportunities. They take control of their lives and circumstances most effectively.

5 Components of The Real Cougar Woman

Health & Wellness:
The Real Cougar Woman knows that feeling good is the most important thing. Her body is changing each decade. It’s her responsibility to keep it running at full capacity.

Beauty:
The Real Cougar Woman doesn’t want to look 25. However she understands the importance of looking sexy and fabulous for the age she happens to be.

Relationships:
The Real Cougar Woman knows that relationships are difficult to maintain. What’s interesting about being over 40 is your priorities change. Now it’s time to focus in on what you really want and stop pleasing everyone else.

Financial Freedom:
The Real Cougar Women knows the importance of being financially independent. Without that you never feel completely secure.

Mindset:
The Real Cougar Woman knows how important it is to have a mindset that’s programmed for success. Knowing how to tap into her spirit and her intuition is essential.

Aging is inevitable – how you age is always your choice!